I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize