I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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