i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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