A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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