In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
