The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
