fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize