Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
my poor anus
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
