My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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