We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
