Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
