Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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