If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
