I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
