I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
COCAINE IS GR8
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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