Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
