Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
