well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Girls should come with a carfax report
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
