Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
