god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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