Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
40s are totally the cure
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
