I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
