whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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