Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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