i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
