The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
she peed on how many people?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Randomize