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• (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.

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• (810): View more from Michigan

  I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.

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• (204): View more from Manitoba

  how do you feel about lunch break shots ?

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• (706): View more from Georgia

  I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.

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• (615): View more from Tennessee

  The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.

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• (212): View more from New York

  Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?

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• (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.

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• (716): View more from New York

  I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.

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• (714): View more from California

  He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.

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• (803): View more from South Carolina

  I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C

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• (602): View more from Arizona

  He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.

  (1-602): View more from Arizona

  Awwwwwww!

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• (847): View more from Illinois

  Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing

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• (229): View more from Georgia

  i've got three words. i. was. spanked.

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• (325): View more from Texas

  There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises

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• (727): View more from Florida

  So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.

  (813): View more from Florida

  You deserve it, you colossal cock block.

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