if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
