goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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