I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
