I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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