Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
