Dude my mom stole all your condoms
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
