I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
