If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
