i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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