After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
