My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
