I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It's shark week go big or go home
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
