i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
