respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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