my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
