WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
