she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
