So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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