the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
