Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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