My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
