She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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