if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Randomize
