Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
