I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
