I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize