They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Never joke about your clitoris.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
