i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize