38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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