I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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