my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My vagina just recognized that song.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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