Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
