I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
