she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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