Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
