last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I don't think brook has ever known best
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
